Something I’m terribly ashamed to admit is that in the last few years, I hadn’t been in much contact with him. Not because i didn’t want to, but simply put, life got in the way…
Life got in the way.
Blah. Sounds like such a damn cop-out. It makes my stomach turn. I accept that guilt changes absolutely nothing, and I do ultimately manage to debate myself out of that futile spiral about 10 times a day…
We last connected when my daughter was born, March 2019. I texted him from my hospital bed, and in that blissful moment with my magical little love, I sent him a picture of Sofia. At the time of that text, it had already been a few years since we last corresponded and seen each other, and yet in this incredibly joyful moment, i had the presence of mind to reach out to him and share my happy news. This is the one realization that’s keeping me sane. That we were able to pick up where we left off, there was never ever any love lost in this instance or ever, and that my regard for him remained sky high—high enough to think “I gotta text Jason!”.
I experience moments of regret for not having had more of those inclinations to take a minute out of my busy life to be more present for him or others, but in my heart I know the truth is that i could not have changed anything–I did the best I could managing two small kids and everything that comes with that. So I try hard to regret nothing. It’s a wasted emotion and a poor use of time. I can say that in my life thus far, everything has occurred exactly as it’s supposed to, and that’s usually my philosophy on life in general..but *this* has put a crack in my faith. Does everything really happen exactly as it’s supposed to? Really? It’s a hard thing to accept on a normal day… but It’s a harder thing to reconcile in times like these.
Lately I have extra gratitude for Sofia. Her arrival propelled me back into my friend’s inbox, and while that was long ago and brief, it was a solid exchange of love during one of the best moments in my life, and I think that counts for something… right? I get to look at her now and be reminded “Jason was so happy you were born”.
I really wanted to tie all these words up in a pretty bow and attempt to say something insightful about life’s beginnings and endings, and the beauty that can be extracted from a birth and a transition… but that would be a reach because the truth is much more basic, a little crueler, maybe a little less poetic. The bare-bones reality is that our lives are literally just a series of fleeting moments in time, and it can all end in a second, for anyone, on any given day. It is an absolutely terrifying thought… But also what if we consider how beautiful we can make each one of those moments if we fully accept that reality, allow ourselves be present, and stop letting life get in the way?
I just really wish i had just one more moment to tell him how much he’s changed my life. Instead i’ll just have to show it to you all, and hope that he sees it too. My deepest gratitude to him, and everything that’s brought me to now.
Thank you thank you thank you.